#soultarotchallenge Day 25: A fear that is ready to become an ally. Who’s it gunna be? Which one of you irrational fears wants to be my ally? And the winner is... 3 of S-WORDS. This actually dovetails nicely with Chirons ingress into Aries where the old wounds become the well placed solar lanterns that illuminate the path to healing. However, in this case the solar lanterns have been plunged into my heart and now I have irrational fears of getting close to anyone, LED lights and green energy. But the wounded healer is here to be like: “fuck trying to rescue everyone else, you need to heal yourself.” This confluence of sharp objects in your tender heart is the poison from which the anti-venom is derived.
However, in order for this fear to become an alley I’m gunna need to face it, accept it and work on extracting the improvised weapons from my chest. Furthermore, I think I’m going to need to relax that tendency towards hyper vigilance when I get close to people, looking for any indication of how I might be reenacting toxic patterns or opening myself up to heart break and sorrow. As I write this I notice an old photo from my childhood of me about the time of my parents divorce. Although I don’t think it’s fair to blame ones parents I do think something changed for me as my understanding of stability and relationship was shifted. And that perhaps led the way for me choosing to be in a series of unhealthy relationships through out my life that generally consisted of me detaching through alcoholism and drug abuse. My power move was to self harm with addictive behavior to stay safe, like “look how hard I can self destruct, whatever you do to me can’t possibly compare to how bad I can hurt myself.” Now that tactic is outdated, and since I’ve committed to showing up for life, I’m left with a wounded heart and a sad #centaur limping ahead of me to show the way. The scars and shrapnel still linger in the tender places and fear still hides in the back of the thoughts when I begin to get close to folks. But instead of shifting into self destruct mode as a default safety mechanism.
Now, I can lean into this experience and allow myself to be connected to something bigger than me that I don’t need to control. I can step outside of my shell and feel the rain on my flesh. You know what’s awesome about the rain? It makes the world grow, it swells the rivers and carries all the debris out to the ocean. It cleans the wreckage away and makes the ground fertile. It washes the cobwebs off and allows everything to open up and be made anew. It’s that old sorrow beginning to melt that gets the blood pumping and circulating to the places that need it most. It’s those places where the heart breaks that allows the light to get in. Those fissures allow the heart grow bigger, to find forgiveness and compassion for others experiences as well as my own. It is this place, out in the rain that the fear becomes my friend and the heart can swell big enough to release the sharp objects that have gotten stuck in there and lost over over time. Now they can get rinsed out and washed away with the rains of spring and I can befriend my heart and begin again in the service of love.