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6 OF COINS or Can I be alright just to be who I am, where I am?

#soultarotchallenge Day 22: How can I love myself more unconditionally? Today we turn back to the tarot and the guidance I receive comes in the form of the 6 OF COINS. The easy answer here is to just judge that I am worthy enough give myself the love that I need. However, I think it might be more complicated than that. Perhaps my problem is not about loving myself more but about being able to receive that love unconditionally. The question that arises for me is how can I just accept myself and accept self love?

? To be honest, at some deep level I don’t feel like I’m deserving of self love. I don’t feel like I’ve done anything to warrant me being kind to myself, and furthermore, if I were kind to myself I’m afraid that would make me lazy and soft and I would never achieve my goals.

Writing that out and witnessing that core belief in digital black and white is relatively disturbing, but it’s true. And maybe talking about it will help me shed it like yesterday’s withered reptile skin. I think about the RWS vision of this card and the rich merchant version of me giving love to one part of myself while the other part goes without. That hungry bit is maybe my old addict self that I’ve tried really hard to cut off and choke out over the past 5 years. That part sits dormant parched and hibernating like Koschei the Deathless waiting for some dumb prince Ivan to open the wrong door and rehydrate this evil warlock. However, to love myself unconditionally it would take me forgiving and loving this part as well. I’d have to call it in from the cold and give it a seat at the table where I’ve been feeding the more civilized version of myself that I’ve been cultivating. This sort of schism I think is creating an energy leak. Because the flow is not complete, because one half of me enjoys the light and the other one lives like a weird stepchild in the crawl spaces of my consciousness subsisting off fish heads and mice, things are slightly out of balance. It’s fine to have company over because everyone is well behaved but there is this weird scratching sound in the walls that has everyone slightly on edge like the West Texas wind. Energy seeps out through that place where my feral child self lives. To love myself more completely would involve me loving that part of myself which doesn’t talk it only grunts and spits and plots my demise. And it would take that feral part accepting that love and allowing itself to come in from the cold and be transformed by it. That seems kinda like a tall order to tell the truth but maybe I can make some of its favorite foods and invite it to a non alcoholic dinner some night or at lest try lure it back into balance somehow with candy and death metal and other non harming cathartic activities.

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