Updated: Mar 22, 2019
#soultarotchallenge Day 10: “A message from my body.” I’m returning today to The Carnival at the End of the World Tarot by @feldermausworkshop and what comes through is the 9 OF WANDS. I kinda grimace a little bit, hug myself and apologize to my body. Now that it’s winter and I’ve found a place to be for a while I’m starting to notice the toll that this last year has taken on me. And maybe it’s not just this year, maybe it’s this life. My body is like:
“Bro you’ve kinda done a number on us.”
And I’m like: “That’s not what I want to hear”
and my body’s like: “Well that’s how it is.”
And I’m like: “WTF can’t you just do what your told.”
And my body’s like: “I don’t want to get out of bed.” And this is like most mornings. What I’m recognizing is that the level of burnout I’m experiencing is maybe deeper then I thought, or getting older is more intense then I imagined. It’s perhaps a combination. Another thing that’s coming up for me is the recognition that when you begin to treat yourself right and with respect, you become more sensitive to the subtitles of what it feels like to be alive. This is opposed to how I was when I was younger where I treated my body like a machine that I was test driving. Where I would push it to the limit to see how it handled under extreme stress, lots of speed, even more booze, very little sleep and not enough food. It was like an experiment to see which ways this machine would warp under extreme conditions, and what kinda sounds it would make. Mostly it would groan “fuccck” every morning on waking. That experiment got really arduous after a while. As a result I’m now noticing a whole bunch of burn out that’s been stacking up over hundreds of miles and months of traveling. And from before that, it comes from years of hustling, hard living and habitual self harming. Now in this space where I get to finally rest for a bit my body is like:
“9 of Wands bro, you’re going down!”
Now I’m facing that deficit that I’ve stacked up for years and it’s revealing all the places where I need to learn to care, like eating right, or eating at all and recognizing my limits and when I need to sleep.
I feel like this is normal people stuff that I never got because I was too busy getting drunk under a bridge somewhere. But hopefully it’s never to late to begin again and while the body is a resilient mechanism hopefully it can also be a forgiving friend.